I'm getting myself together. I feel like I'm playing a waiting game. But I shall no longer wait to get myself together and be happy.
My birthday was Friday and Jeff and I went downtown and stayed at the Hyatt. Ooo la la. It was great fun and relaxing and it was only one night. We also went to the Art Institute and I was inspired. Those artists had so little yet created so much. They didn't wait for anything.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Something else I don't get
I don't get it when someone who is against same sex marriage says, "they can get married, just not to someone of the same sex" in response to being accused of not wanting gays to marry. Like, to somehow convince themselves that they aren't advocating unequal rights. How idiotic is that? I feel like that would have been saying to me, you can get married, just not to Jeff. You know, the actual person I love and want to marry. That would piss me off. Actually, it does piss me off. That's one of the (many) reasons that I stopped going to church. I didn't believe that nonsense so I couldn't say that and I wouldn't say that. I thought it was ridiculous and that it had nothing to do with me. It didn't affect me and I thought it was discriminating and I didn't want to have any part with that kind of thinking.
I just don't get how someone came up with that logic though. Probably one person came up with it and the sheeple just started repeating it. That's how most things go. Someone comes up with something clever or mildly convincing and it becomes an idea then a mantra and then it becomes doctrine.
I don't care if the Bible says that God killed a million bajillion homosexuals. That's supposed to convince me that being gay is wrong? Please. That just makes me wonder why God is so offended.
And another thing. It is said that marriage should be between a man and woman because that's how we procreate. Isn't it kind of ironic though that Jesus' conception was between woman and God, not man? It seems like the human race wouldn't have to worry about that if it came to it, right?
I just don't understand why it's such a huge issue for some people. It seems like there are much bigger and more pressing issues that can demonize our children then Frank and Bob in New Jersey and Kim and Lisa in California getting a piece of paper saying their marriage is now legal and recognized by the state.
I just don't get it.
I just don't get how someone came up with that logic though. Probably one person came up with it and the sheeple just started repeating it. That's how most things go. Someone comes up with something clever or mildly convincing and it becomes an idea then a mantra and then it becomes doctrine.
I don't care if the Bible says that God killed a million bajillion homosexuals. That's supposed to convince me that being gay is wrong? Please. That just makes me wonder why God is so offended.
And another thing. It is said that marriage should be between a man and woman because that's how we procreate. Isn't it kind of ironic though that Jesus' conception was between woman and God, not man? It seems like the human race wouldn't have to worry about that if it came to it, right?
I just don't understand why it's such a huge issue for some people. It seems like there are much bigger and more pressing issues that can demonize our children then Frank and Bob in New Jersey and Kim and Lisa in California getting a piece of paper saying their marriage is now legal and recognized by the state.
I just don't get it.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
I’m having issues, this is clear. But sometimes I just want to shout, “Screw you, you flaming pile of bovine excrement!” But I don’t. I self-deprecate. I am swayed by probably-but-probaby-not-well-thought-out-opinionated-loud-mouthed-doo-doo-heads and sometimes even impressed. I assume the position of not knowing. I say, “Now, I could be wrong” before I say “but I think” when really I don’t want to. I could indeed be wrong, by why say that? I want to have my opinion matter to no one else but me. I want to stand firm, for only myself. I’ve waffled. I’ve been militant. I’ve distanced myself from my past choices. Hell, I even regret some. So, I shall grow my cojones and state my beliefs. I will state my opinions and not let anyone’s possible judgment nudge me in any direction.
So, um. *ahem* Anyone got any good ideas?
Just kidding…
Things I believe:
Weeeeeell, let’s not get too ahead of ourselves here with things I believe. Let's start off easy. How about Things I Don’t Get:
1) Twenty-five year olds freaking out about turning twenty-six – I am twenty-eight freaking about turning twenty-nine, but clearly this is acceptable. This is a much bigger deal because twenty-nine, is freaking Twenty-Nine. I think the something-nines are harder than the something-ty’s, ya know, like thir-ty, for-ty, etc… This is because this is the end of a decade. There’s the, “I want to do *insert life-accomplishment* before I turn *insert something-ty* years old” sentiment. What that really means, is that this is the last year, the last chance, to get all that crap done. Close behind that is the realization that getting that crap done, is probably a long shot. For instance, I had said back when I was a chipper twenty-seven year old, that I would like to do an Ironman Race before I turn thirty. So here I am, on the heels of my thirtieth year as my dad would say (well, not the “on the heels of” part, just the “thirtieth year” bit) and I am struggling to run three miles again. Anyways, the point is, those 26’ers got it made.
2) People on the internet asking other people on the internet stupid questions. Questions such as what dress they should wear, what color they should dye their hair, if they should leave their husband who just threw produce (yes, fruits and vegetables) at them, whether they should send another sexy text to the guy that slept over last night but don’t really like, which shoes go best with an outfit. Sheesh, and I thought I was hard up for some decision making skills. Now, don’t get me wrong, I judge none too harshly when it comes to self-esteem, because the only thing that stops me from asking others opinions on le world wide web is the fact that no one will respond save my mom. (Hi mom!) Well, that and the fact that that is effing ridiculous. But I digress.
3) Why someone would want to go on Reality TV. Namely ones that involve duking it out for "love" and now friendship i.e. Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, the Paris one and now Bromance. Seriously? One word: Barfaroni.
Ok, that's all I got at the moment. I need to get some work done.
So, um. *ahem* Anyone got any good ideas?
Just kidding…
Things I believe:
Weeeeeell, let’s not get too ahead of ourselves here with things I believe. Let's start off easy. How about Things I Don’t Get:
1) Twenty-five year olds freaking out about turning twenty-six – I am twenty-eight freaking about turning twenty-nine, but clearly this is acceptable. This is a much bigger deal because twenty-nine, is freaking Twenty-Nine. I think the something-nines are harder than the something-ty’s, ya know, like thir-ty, for-ty, etc… This is because this is the end of a decade. There’s the, “I want to do *insert life-accomplishment* before I turn *insert something-ty* years old” sentiment. What that really means, is that this is the last year, the last chance, to get all that crap done. Close behind that is the realization that getting that crap done, is probably a long shot. For instance, I had said back when I was a chipper twenty-seven year old, that I would like to do an Ironman Race before I turn thirty. So here I am, on the heels of my thirtieth year as my dad would say (well, not the “on the heels of” part, just the “thirtieth year” bit) and I am struggling to run three miles again. Anyways, the point is, those 26’ers got it made.
2) People on the internet asking other people on the internet stupid questions. Questions such as what dress they should wear, what color they should dye their hair, if they should leave their husband who just threw produce (yes, fruits and vegetables) at them, whether they should send another sexy text to the guy that slept over last night but don’t really like, which shoes go best with an outfit. Sheesh, and I thought I was hard up for some decision making skills. Now, don’t get me wrong, I judge none too harshly when it comes to self-esteem, because the only thing that stops me from asking others opinions on le world wide web is the fact that no one will respond save my mom. (Hi mom!) Well, that and the fact that that is effing ridiculous. But I digress.
3) Why someone would want to go on Reality TV. Namely ones that involve duking it out for "love" and now friendship i.e. Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, the Paris one and now Bromance. Seriously? One word: Barfaroni.
Ok, that's all I got at the moment. I need to get some work done.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Everything and Nothing
The deafening sound of silence does exist. It is merely the backdrop to nothingness. It magnifies the slightest of sounds. Typing, coughing, footsteps, filing, scratching, breathing, farting; it ends up sounding like one explosion after another. The endlessness of silence is nothing short of maddening. It seems like the quiet would spawn peace and productivity, but only in the comfort of pajamas does it seem so. Instead it breeds restlessness and boredom. Therein lies the crux of the issue. Moments are whizzing by and nothing is happening. So much to do and so much to see, and so little time says Wonka. I agree completely. It overwhelms me and hurts my heart in the boredom which that sentiment resides. Decisions need to be made but of course, with each decision there is a choice and with each choice there is preference. Again, here is another obstacle. Which do I prefer? It is such a loaded question. It should be easy. What if the preference included an unwanted consequence? Or even one that was unforeseen? It can be debilitating.
I feel like the smartest dumb person. Or maybe the dumbest smart person. Sometimes I feel just dumb. My life is full of choices that don’t even really need to be thought about. But when it comes to the deep inset yearnings of the heart, choice doesn’t seem to matter. Consequences do. I know I ought to stop the melodrama. It is unwarranted and completely unnecessary; but this is what it has felt like for, well, quite a while. It feels huge. It feels overwhelming. Yet it feels ironic and silly. It feels like everything is riding on everything and at the same time none of it is important. It has felt like nothing matters.
But alas, it does. It does matter! It matters to me. It matters to the people that matter to me. And that’s ok. In fact, it’s better than ok, it is downright friggin’ important.
I have to be honest (because I’m not honest all the time?), I am feeling vulnerable. I have high expectations for myself. I don’t really want to hit publish, it is making me anxious and I am starting to kind of loathe this fucking blog. It feels odd and unnatural. However, there is some weird catharsis about it and I don’t really have much to say about that other than there’s a delete button for a reason right?
I feel like the smartest dumb person. Or maybe the dumbest smart person. Sometimes I feel just dumb. My life is full of choices that don’t even really need to be thought about. But when it comes to the deep inset yearnings of the heart, choice doesn’t seem to matter. Consequences do. I know I ought to stop the melodrama. It is unwarranted and completely unnecessary; but this is what it has felt like for, well, quite a while. It feels huge. It feels overwhelming. Yet it feels ironic and silly. It feels like everything is riding on everything and at the same time none of it is important. It has felt like nothing matters.
But alas, it does. It does matter! It matters to me. It matters to the people that matter to me. And that’s ok. In fact, it’s better than ok, it is downright friggin’ important.
I have to be honest (because I’m not honest all the time?), I am feeling vulnerable. I have high expectations for myself. I don’t really want to hit publish, it is making me anxious and I am starting to kind of loathe this fucking blog. It feels odd and unnatural. However, there is some weird catharsis about it and I don’t really have much to say about that other than there’s a delete button for a reason right?
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Sick in the Head
Ya know what? I am freaking tired of second guessing myself. Of thinking about what if’s. Thinking about failure. Thinking I’m not good enough. I’m tired of being fearful of success. And being noticed. And being uncomfortable. I’m tired of caring what people think. And being judged. Because who gives a crap? Do I? Really? Nope. Not really. Not in the slightest, actually.
And you know what else? I’m sick and tired of obsessing about the future. And what will happen if I don’t do “this” or “that”. Or what it will mean if I actually do accomplish “this” or “that”, because then would I be happy and fulfilled? I’m sick of not being fulfilled now. I’m sick of judging myself, because what would that mean if I were happy now?
I’m sick of not being satisfied and I’m sick of being afraid that I won't ever be, regardless of how many of my goals are achieved. I’m sick of hating everything. Cooking, driving, working, cleaning. I enjoy paying bills and balancing the checkbook more than I do cooking and cleaning. Scary.
I’m sick of reading about other people doing things and thinking things. I want to do things and think things dammit. I’m sick of trying to sound like I know what I’m doing and that I have a plan when really? I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I’M DOING!
Also, I’m kind of sick of not using proper grammar and punctuation.
The thing I want the most though, is to know who I am and be comfortable and confident with that. In this culture of self-help, self-improvement and never ending quests for satisfaction, being happy with the way things currently are kind of leaves you (the proverbial ‘you’) vulnerable. That leaves you open to attack. Like, "really? You like that? You’re happy with living in your in-laws basement? You like that? You think you sound good? That’s stupid." But if I say, I’ll be happy when I stop being lazy and win that job, lose ten pounds, pay off my debt, buy a house - those things will come and go and I will still be a mess in my head. I would still be unsatisfied.
After years of trying be like someone else for one reason or another be it, musical, religious, personal or aesthetic, I want to just be me. I may be a fickle person. But that’s me.
And you know what else? I’m sick and tired of obsessing about the future. And what will happen if I don’t do “this” or “that”. Or what it will mean if I actually do accomplish “this” or “that”, because then would I be happy and fulfilled? I’m sick of not being fulfilled now. I’m sick of judging myself, because what would that mean if I were happy now?
I’m sick of not being satisfied and I’m sick of being afraid that I won't ever be, regardless of how many of my goals are achieved. I’m sick of hating everything. Cooking, driving, working, cleaning. I enjoy paying bills and balancing the checkbook more than I do cooking and cleaning. Scary.
I’m sick of reading about other people doing things and thinking things. I want to do things and think things dammit. I’m sick of trying to sound like I know what I’m doing and that I have a plan when really? I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I’M DOING!
Also, I’m kind of sick of not using proper grammar and punctuation.
The thing I want the most though, is to know who I am and be comfortable and confident with that. In this culture of self-help, self-improvement and never ending quests for satisfaction, being happy with the way things currently are kind of leaves you (the proverbial ‘you’) vulnerable. That leaves you open to attack. Like, "really? You like that? You’re happy with living in your in-laws basement? You like that? You think you sound good? That’s stupid." But if I say, I’ll be happy when I stop being lazy and win that job, lose ten pounds, pay off my debt, buy a house - those things will come and go and I will still be a mess in my head. I would still be unsatisfied.
After years of trying be like someone else for one reason or another be it, musical, religious, personal or aesthetic, I want to just be me. I may be a fickle person. But that’s me.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
2008...
...whew, that was some year huh?
I don't really feel the need to reflect too much on this past year because, well, there were really only 2 parts.
1) Getting Married
2) Being Depressed
And no, the two aren't really quite related. I did have post-wedding blues. That only lasted a month or so and quickly faded into the full on can-barely-get-through-the-day and hiding-in-the-bathroom-to-cry. That really had more to do with, well, just being depressed.
HOWEVER! 2009! It is HERE! And I am ready to transform my life. I guess that sounds kind of weird and Oprah-y, but I need to make some serious changes. Not only do I need to, but the desire for change is palatable. Jeff and I are in the process of figuring out our personal, professional, health, fitness and financial goals and I'm pretty stoked. This is my year dagnabit, and I will be damned if this time next year I will look back at the best year of my life thus far.
The Big'uns include:
Flute stuff- Work my butt off to get ~10 more students, practice, find a gig buddy, take a few auditions TBD (and be prepared; REALLY prepared) and hopefully do a couple competitions.
Financial stuff- Jeff and I have a plan, an optimistic but I think realistic plan, to have all of our debt except the car and student loans paid off by the end of the year. Then, as a reward to ourselves, we will take a big ass vacation to Australia! That probably won't happen until March/ April of 2010, but I am already planning that puppy. If that's not an incentive to sacrifice now and pay off this shit then I really don't know what will.
Health stuff- We had signed up to do a marathon in February in Austin, but that has pretty much fallen through. I hurt my foot and after looking at airfare? Yea, it's not happening unless I want to drive myself crazy trying to cram train and spend atleast $800 for Jeff and I to fly, lodge and eat in Texas. So, we are looking to do some local 5k's and tri's in May. There's a marathon near St. Louis in May that we are thinking about. Lots of cool and exciting plans. Races are fun. Also, I am doing a bit of a tempered overhaul with my diet. Eat cleaner, more fruits and vegetables, less processed stuff. NO PIZZA for the month of January! Plan meals. My mom got us Bentos for xmas and we are SO EXCITED to make soups and stews and other yummy things that we will be able to put in them for our super wholesome and nutritious lunches.
Those are my priorities for 2009. That and taking care of my brain. I am a very lucky girl. Jeff said something that I thought was touching and thoughtful and sweet and has kind of become like a little mantra or reminder or outlook or whatever for me. He said he wants to love life like he loves me. He just does. There's no real reason. There's no conditions. It takes effort and thought and sometimes things aren't so agreeable. In the end though, all there is joy and contentment. He actually didn't say all of that, just first bits. I just added on to it for clarification. The outlook I want to have. One that is positive and productive and peaceful. Hmmmm, more P words. Playful. Pleasurable. Pensive. Punctual. Poo poo and pee pee.
Heh. Ok, enough of that.
This is gonna be a good year.
I don't really feel the need to reflect too much on this past year because, well, there were really only 2 parts.
1) Getting Married
2) Being Depressed
And no, the two aren't really quite related. I did have post-wedding blues. That only lasted a month or so and quickly faded into the full on can-barely-get-through-the-day and hiding-in-the-bathroom-to-cry. That really had more to do with, well, just being depressed.
HOWEVER! 2009! It is HERE! And I am ready to transform my life. I guess that sounds kind of weird and Oprah-y, but I need to make some serious changes. Not only do I need to, but the desire for change is palatable. Jeff and I are in the process of figuring out our personal, professional, health, fitness and financial goals and I'm pretty stoked. This is my year dagnabit, and I will be damned if this time next year I will look back at the best year of my life thus far.
The Big'uns include:
Flute stuff- Work my butt off to get ~10 more students, practice, find a gig buddy, take a few auditions TBD (and be prepared; REALLY prepared) and hopefully do a couple competitions.
Financial stuff- Jeff and I have a plan, an optimistic but I think realistic plan, to have all of our debt except the car and student loans paid off by the end of the year. Then, as a reward to ourselves, we will take a big ass vacation to Australia! That probably won't happen until March/ April of 2010, but I am already planning that puppy. If that's not an incentive to sacrifice now and pay off this shit then I really don't know what will.
Health stuff- We had signed up to do a marathon in February in Austin, but that has pretty much fallen through. I hurt my foot and after looking at airfare? Yea, it's not happening unless I want to drive myself crazy trying to cram train and spend atleast $800 for Jeff and I to fly, lodge and eat in Texas. So, we are looking to do some local 5k's and tri's in May. There's a marathon near St. Louis in May that we are thinking about. Lots of cool and exciting plans. Races are fun. Also, I am doing a bit of a tempered overhaul with my diet. Eat cleaner, more fruits and vegetables, less processed stuff. NO PIZZA for the month of January! Plan meals. My mom got us Bentos for xmas and we are SO EXCITED to make soups and stews and other yummy things that we will be able to put in them for our super wholesome and nutritious lunches.
Those are my priorities for 2009. That and taking care of my brain. I am a very lucky girl. Jeff said something that I thought was touching and thoughtful and sweet and has kind of become like a little mantra or reminder or outlook or whatever for me. He said he wants to love life like he loves me. He just does. There's no real reason. There's no conditions. It takes effort and thought and sometimes things aren't so agreeable. In the end though, all there is joy and contentment. He actually didn't say all of that, just first bits. I just added on to it for clarification. The outlook I want to have. One that is positive and productive and peaceful. Hmmmm, more P words. Playful. Pleasurable. Pensive. Punctual. Poo poo and pee pee.
Heh. Ok, enough of that.
This is gonna be a good year.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Well, I'm starting to actually feel better, however when I wake up in the morning and when it starts getting to be bedtime my voice turns into a crazy frog voice.
Jeff and I just got back from visiting friends in Detroit. It was fun. Hung out with their son whom I would have liked to have packed in my suitcase and brought home with me. So cute that one. We saw the movie "The Day the Earth Stood Still." It was dumb. We went to a matinee so we didn't have to give our first born child. Seriously, movie tickets are expensive these days.
Also, we went to see the Detroit Symphony. Honestly, I was disappointed. The piccolo player was incredible and I enjoyed watching the timpanist.
That's all I have to say about that.
Afterward we went to a casino, ya know, to live it up I guess. It was jam packed. Recession my ass. I totally don't get it. I was fascinated watching a craps table and some older gent just opened his wallet and threw down $700 or $800 to get some chips and start playing. I just wanted to be like, dude, you're just gonna wipe your butt with that money. Give it to meeeeee! Other dudes were throwing down their chips saying "Hi, lo, yo." I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on, but I couldn't. I felt so uncomfortable but was intrigued and wanted to keep watching, but my friend felt like people were giving her dirty looks like they wanted to fight her (weird), so we left.
We had a good time and now I'm really looking forward to going to my parents' in NY for xmas this weekend.
I feel like I have a lot on my mind but it's all a muddled mess. Plus, I need to go pick up our pizza.
Off I go...
Jeff and I just got back from visiting friends in Detroit. It was fun. Hung out with their son whom I would have liked to have packed in my suitcase and brought home with me. So cute that one. We saw the movie "The Day the Earth Stood Still." It was dumb. We went to a matinee so we didn't have to give our first born child. Seriously, movie tickets are expensive these days.
Also, we went to see the Detroit Symphony. Honestly, I was disappointed. The piccolo player was incredible and I enjoyed watching the timpanist.
That's all I have to say about that.
Afterward we went to a casino, ya know, to live it up I guess. It was jam packed. Recession my ass. I totally don't get it. I was fascinated watching a craps table and some older gent just opened his wallet and threw down $700 or $800 to get some chips and start playing. I just wanted to be like, dude, you're just gonna wipe your butt with that money. Give it to meeeeee! Other dudes were throwing down their chips saying "Hi, lo, yo." I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on, but I couldn't. I felt so uncomfortable but was intrigued and wanted to keep watching, but my friend felt like people were giving her dirty looks like they wanted to fight her (weird), so we left.
We had a good time and now I'm really looking forward to going to my parents' in NY for xmas this weekend.
I feel like I have a lot on my mind but it's all a muddled mess. Plus, I need to go pick up our pizza.
Off I go...
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